Past Jokes Archive

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating
them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!" The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's more beautiful than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

 

This is taken from the Dallas Morning News:
I think enough time has passed that we can enjoy a funny story from Sept. 11:
At one of the most prestigious private schools in town, it was decided that the awful events of that
day wouldn't be mentioned to the small children in the lower grades.   So it was school as usual.  
Except that when one of the mothers picked up her daughter that afternoon, the little girl announced,
"Something is going on.   Something is happening."
The mother played it straight and asked, "Why do you say that?"
The little girl said, "Well, Suzy's mom cane and picked her up today.  And then Sally's mom came 
and got her.  Something Big is happening, and I think I know what it is."
"What's that, honey?" her mother asked.
"I think we're having another big case of head lice!"

 

 

  There are only 3 aggie jokes in the world.  All the rest of the stories are true!

 

Actual reports of what Airline stewardess said: 

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Braniff Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Braniff  Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Braniff Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at Braniff Airways."

---

Why do you not want to play Hide-n-go-seek with Pokemon?
Because he might Pekacho.

---

Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob
Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left..
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

 

A boy and his Mom were in a checkout line at the store.  The large man in front of them
 had a beeper that started to go off:   beep.... beep..... beep.   The boy exclaimed:
"LOOK OUT!  HE'S BACKING UP!!!!" 

 

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.  The elderly gentleman
went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is
perfect.  Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations.  I've changed my will three times!"

 

MY NEW SPELL CHECKER  
 Eye halve a spelling chequer 
 It came with my pea sea  
 It plainly marques four my revue 
 Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.  
 Eye strike a key and type a word 
 And weight four it two say  
 Weather eye am wrong oar write 
 It shows me strait a weigh.  
 As soon as a mist ache is maid  
 It nose bee fore two long  
 And eye can put the error rite  
 Its rare lea ever wrong.  
 Eye have run this poem threw it  
 I am shore your pleased two no  
 Its letter perfect awl the weigh  
 My chequer tolled me sew.

 

 

Three men went into a motel and the man behind the desk said a room cost  $30.00.  Each man gave the man behind the desk $10.00 and they went to their  room. After they left the man behind the desk discovered a mistake the room was  only $25.00 so he gave the bellboy $5.00 and told him to take it to the men. The bellboy could not figure how to split five dollars evenly so he gave each man a dollar and kept $2.  This meant each man only paid $9.00 for the room, that adds up to $27.00 plus the two dollars the bellboy kept is $29.00.
Where is the missing dollar??????
When you are stumped:  answer

 

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Just one.  One to hold the bulb while the world revolves around her.

 

How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?   We don't know .... they are still counting.

 

No1
MR DUCKS                                 =Them are ducks
MR KNOT
SAR
CM WANGS
LIB
MR DUCKS

No2
MR SNAKES
MR KNOT
SAR
CM EDBDI'S
LIB
MR SNAKES

No3
MR MICE
MR KNOT
SAR
CMEDBD FEET
LIB
MR MICE

(Scroll to the bottom for the answers.)

 

Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, Its mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, It's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I am doing or building something,all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

 

Riddle answer:       Each man paid $9 which equals $25 for the room and $2 that the bellboy kept equalling $27.  The $2 is in the $27 dollars.  And you do not have to add the $2 again to the 27.  If you want to know where the money is ....   you  add the $3 returned to the men, plus $25 for the room, plus $2 for the bellboy to add up to $30.

 

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
--George Carlin
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" --Jay Leno
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.--?

 

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.  The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",  to which the lady replied "Yes".
  "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".

 

A little girl in her Sunday best was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday school on time. 
 As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late."
At that moment she tripped and fell getting her clothes all dirty. She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying... "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late, but don't shove me anymore!"

 

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name
for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

 

Top ten signs you’re getting older:
10.You and your teeth don't sleep together.
9. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
8. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
7. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
6. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
5. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
3. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
2. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

And the number one sign you are getting older:
1. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture!!!

 

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

 

What is the difference between a zoo in Texas and a zoo in Louisiana?
The zoo in Texas has the cage, a picture of the animal, and a description of its habitat.
The zoo in Louisiana has the cage, a picture of the animal, and a recipe.

 

I want to go back to the time when.....................
  Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
  Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
  Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in  "Monopoly."
  Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
  It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
  Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
  The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play  volleyball and rules didn't matter.
  It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
  It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
  Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
  Nobody was prettier than Mom.
  Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
  It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big   people" rides at the amusement park.
  Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
  Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
  Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action  figures.
  No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
  Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for  giggles.
  The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
  War was a card game.
  Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
  Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a  motorcycle.
  Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
  Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest  protectors.

 

The man took the Dallas Cowboy's bumper sticker off his car.  Now is runs better and passes better.

 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why do they report power outages on TV?

 

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

 

How many blonds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one.  One to hold the bulb while the world revolves around her.

 

PROVERBS FOR THE MILLENNIUM
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There's no place like www.home.com
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

 

The man took his Dallas Cowboy Bumper Sticker off his car.... now it runs and passes better.

 

Dear God,  Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah  and David the best.     Rob
Dear God, My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they? Marsha
Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.     Mickey
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.    Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.  Charles
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Eugene
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.    Larry

 

Why did the kid give a ghost a bandage?  It had a boo-boo.
Why do you measure snakes in inches?  Because they have no feet.
What's worse than a worm in your apple?  Finding half a worm.
What does a worm do in a cornfield? He goes in one ear and out the other.

 

Did you know Noah was not the first person off the ark?
It says in the Bible Noah came forth.

What lights did they have on the ark?
Flood lights.

Noah's son was bored and went to Noah one day and asked if he could go fishing. 
Noah said that would be fine but remember you only have two worms.

 

Decisions were made by saying "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people"
rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest
protectors.
My Oh My what does the "hands" of time really tell us?

 

. A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.   All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice "Happy Birthday to you..."

 

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you still move you lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

Morris wanted to get his wife Sherry  something nice for their  wedding   anniversary.  So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited,   she loves her phone. He shows  her  and explains to her all the   features on the phone.  The  next  day  Sherry goes shopping. Her phone  rings  and  it's  her husband Morris, "Hi hon, "he says, "How do  you like your new phone?" "I just love it, it's so  small and your voice is clear as a  bell but there's one thing I don't understand. How did you  know I was at the mall ?"

 

New years resolution:
Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

On Tennessee highways:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

 

Why did the teaddy bear stop eating?

Because he was stuffed.

 

On the way to driving her daughter to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up.  Her daughter began playing with it, and she thought:  be still my heart, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!
Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's. - May I take your order?"

Science test answers:

"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the
abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which
there are five  a, e, i, o, and u."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

 

Science test answers:

"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five  a, e, i, o, and u."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

 

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

 

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.  She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

Some boyscouts from the big city were on a camping trip for the first  time.The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightening bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up, now they're coming after us with flashlights!"

 

A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood.
The dispatcher asks, "Well, lady how do we get there?"
Confused she replies, "Don't you still have those big red fire trucks????"

 

No1
MR DUCKS
MR KNOT
SAR
CM WANGS
LIB
MR DUCKS

Translation:
Them are Ducks.
Them are not.
Yes they are.
See them wings
Well I'll be
Them are Ducks.

Try to get the next two before you read the translation.

No2
MR SNAKES
MR KNOT
SAR
CM ED BDI'S
LIB
MR SNAKES

No3
MR MICE
MR KNOT
SAR
CMEDBD FEET
LIB
MR MICE

 

No2
Them are snakes
Them are not
Yes they are
See them itty bitty eyes
Well I'll be
Them are snakes.

No3
Them are Mice
Them are not
Yes they are
See them itty bitty feet
Will I'll be
Them are mice.

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

OREO PSYCHO-PERSONALITY TEST ...... THIS IS A JOKE!

Psychologists have discovered the ways people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which of the following best describes your favorite method of eating Oreo cookies:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid such as milk, coffee, etc.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo's.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing.
This means you consume life with abandon, you're fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You're totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with
their children.

2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverish Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
You are sick. Please seek professional medical help -- immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.

Two guys were out hunting and they got lost. The first guy says to the second guy, "What do you think we should do?"  The second guy says, "Let's fire three shots into the air. It's the international distress code."   They fire three shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says to the second guy, "What do you think we should do now?"
The second guy says, "Let's fire three more shots into the air." They fire three more shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says, "What do you think we should do now?"
The second guy says, "Let's fire three more shots into the air." The first guy says, "Well I sure hope someone comes soon, these are my last three arrows!"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A highway patrol pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

These two Aggies were chasing an Ostrich.   They almost caught him when the Ostrich stopped and stuck his head in the sand.  The Aggies stopped and one asked the other looking around: "Where did he go?"

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and   1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde  supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally   admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one  for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already  working on a murder case!"

Did you ever wonder
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is the speed of dark?

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. 
"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now? Jane
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan
Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil
Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up.  As the   doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think   I'll find Big Bird in here?"  The little girl stayed silent.  Next, the  doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat.  He asked,   "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent.  Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest.  As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"  "Oh,  no!" the little girl replied.  "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.
***
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
***
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?  Because it said 'concentrate'.

A blond was driving down the road and saw another blond out in the field rowing a boat in the dirt.  She stopped the car and shouted "You dumb blond!  You're the kind of blond that gives us all a bad name, and if I could swim I'd swim out there and slap you!"

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing  of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my  way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them,
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"

What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?

A stick.

More Church Bulletin Bloopers
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs.Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Texas Aggie parachute:  It opens on impact.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.  The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.  "What are you doing?" his mother asked.  "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.  "I'm looking for the seal."

Two guys were out hunting and they got lost.
The first guy says to the second guy, "What do you think we should do?"
The second guy says, "Let's fire three shots into the air. It's the international distress code."  They fire three shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says to the second guy, "What do you think we should do now?"
The second guy says, "Let's fire three more shots into the air." They fire three more shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says, "What do you think we should do now?"
The second guy says, "Let's fire three more shots into the air."  The first guy says, "Well I sure hope someone comes soon, these are my last three arrows!"

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"You're telling me," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

An anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.

Dormitory -----------------> Dirty Room
Evangelist -----------------> Evil's Agent
Desperation ---------------> A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code ----------> Here Come Dots
Slot Machines -------------> Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity ------------------> Is No Amity
Mother-in-law --------------> Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms -------------> Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness ---------------> Genuine Class
Semolina ---------------------> Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries -------> Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point ---------------> I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes ---------------> That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two ---------------->Twelve plus one
Contradiction -------------------> Accord not in it
Princess Diana ------------------> Ascend in Paris (freaky, right?)
This one's truly amazing: " To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram: "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
And for the grand finale: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." - Neil Armstrong  ...... The Anagram: "Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

How much money did pirates in the old days charge to pierce ears?

A buck-n-ear.

When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for
preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked Chris when he boarded.
"Yes," Chris said.  "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said.  "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied.  "Whenever we want her we just go out
there and get her."

Beware of Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign posted on the glass door saying: 'DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!'
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager: "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"   "Yep, that's him." He replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken the boy explained. I'm looking for the seal."

An Aggie was working at construction of a house.  He would pick up a nail and hammer it in and then the next one he would throw it on the ground.  After awhile the Aggie supervisor asked him why he was wasting the nails.  He said that the head of the nail was on the wrong end of some of the nails.  The supervisor said: " You dumb Aggie, those nails are for the other side of the house."

Coffee humor

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her coffee.

He made it himself and was so proud.  He anxiously waited to hear the
verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip, she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the
bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know, Grandma, it's like on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

Three Texas Aggies and three Texas University students(Tsips) were to travel on a train.  the Aggies each bought a ticket. the three Tsips only bought one ticket for the three of them.  The Aggie Asked them: "Hey. How are you going to ride the train with only one ticket?" The Tsips told them they had a plan and to watch.   When they got on the train the three Tsips got into the bathroom together and when the conductor came by to collect tickets, he knocked on the door and said: "Tickets Please.".   The Tsips cracked open the door and held out the one ticket.   The Aggies were impressed and said they planned to try it coming back.

On the way back the three Aggies bought one ticket but the Tsips did not buy any.   Again the Aggies asked the Tsips how they were going to ride the train and again the Tsips told them they had a plan.  When they boarded the train the three Aggies piled into one bathroom and the three Tsips got into the other bathroom.  Then before the conductor came by, one of the Tsips came back out and knocked on the Aggies' bathroom door and Said: "Tickets Please!"

Kid's rules for life
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on  the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Molly, Age 11

All I need to know about life I learned from a cow.
1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d!
2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
3. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings!
4. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on!
5. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth!
6. Sometimes, it's better to be seen and not herd.
7. Honor they fodder and they mother and all your udder relatives!

Why ask why?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
What's another word for synonym?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

---

Silly instructions?

On hairdryer instructions: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
Frozen dinner that says: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boots' (pharmacy chain in the UK) children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Did You Know:

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury
3. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
4. Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Golden retriever. Dumbest: Afghan hound.
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000
8. City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong
9. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
10. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
11. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
12. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
13. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
14. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
    Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%
15. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
16. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
17. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70%
18. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
19. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage
20. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
21. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
22. The youngest pope was I I years old.
23. Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
24. First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
25. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
26. In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel I to mobile services (two-way radios in
27. taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
28. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
29. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
30. Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.

Which is your Favorite Character?
1) Tasmanian Devil
2) Tweety
3) Marvin the Martian
4) Scooby Doo
5) Daffy Duck
6) Peppe Le Pew
7) Sylvester
8) Speedy Gonzalos
9) Bugs Bunny

First chose which one is your favorite before you go on.

Scroll down when you decide which one is your favorite.

..... If you Like .......

1) Tazmanian Devil - You are wacky and crazy!!! You are the center of attention at parties. You love food and are always causing chaos. When you are on a date, you're the one that makes the 1st move. Love comes and goes for you. Can you say *Player*?!?

2) Tweety - Aaaaw you're soo CUTE!! Everyone loves you 'cause you're so adorable physically and mentally. Face it, people are jealous of you. Love is always there for you. You're the typical *Long-Relationship* kind of person. You LOVE cuddling but P.D.A. is not your style. If something goes wrong in relationships (family, etc...) you always go to your friends for the advice. Tweety-Lovers are great listeners.

3) Marvin the Martian - You are DEFINITELY in control of your life. People say you're a *Control Freak*. You're the kind of person who is ALWAYS paranoid with unimportant issues, but that's OK 'cause there is always someone there to relieve that paranoia. Love is very valuable to you. Relationships have been hardships for you but just remember that you're in control.

4) Scooby Doo - Let's face it, people around you find you quite annoying sometimes. Whether it'd be the whining or gagging, but it's driving your
friends crazy. If you have problems in life, just keep them on the *DL*. To get on the positive side of things, you are very helpful and you love to solve mysteries and problems. Love is a condition far away from your mind. The best advice for Scooby Doo lovers is to deal with your problems on your OWN.

5) Daffy Duck - You are annoying in this cute way. People love being around you because of your utter goofiness. Making people laugh is your specialty. Daffy Lovers think there is a soulmate out there for everyone. Love is something you haven't found deeply yet but your *soulmate* will be there, CLOSER than you think.

6) Peppe le Pew - You are the sweetest and most lovable person there is. Guys/girls love being around your *Charmed* personality. When there is something you want, you will TRY to get it, no question about it, Peppe Lovers don't take NO for an answer. It's hard to please you but it's very easy for you to please others with your endearing inner-self. Love is here for you and always will be. Not only talking about boyfriends-girlfriends, but family or friends. If someone lets you down, there is always someone else that loves you and is there. I'd have to say that Peppe lovers are the luckiest.

7) Sylvester - You are very fun-loving and easy to please. People are always talking behind your back because of their utter jealousy. Laughing is what you do best. Crying comes once in a life time for you. You are very unique in a good way. People wanna be like you and find you as a *Cool* person. Love is easy for you to find. Your motto would probably be "Smile".

8) Speedy Gonzalos - You are ambitious and always heading for your goal. You are a very *Fast* thinker and intelligent. It's often enetic in Speedy-Lovers. Love comes once in a life-time, unfortunately, but you always have your family supporting you. For you, FAMILY always comes 1st.

9) Bugs Bunny - You are definetely the bestest friend a person can ever have. You're wise and always thinking of ideas. Bugs Lovers have nothing to worry about in life cause you always have solutions for everything. Love is ALWAYS there for you. Fooling around is your specialty. The word relationship is not in your dictionary meaning you are not a steady kind of person. Oh yeah, and you love things that have to do with sex.

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

Better Be Safe Than . . . .. . . . . . .Punch A 5th Grader.
It's Always Darkest Before. . . . . . Daylight Savings Time.
Strike While The . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Bug Is Close.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of . . Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But. . . How?
Don't Bite The Hand That. . . . . . . . .Looks Dirty.
No News Is. . . . . . . . . . .. . . .. . . . . Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A . . . .. . . . .Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New . . .. . Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll. . . Stink in The Morning.
Love All, Trust. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The . . . . . . Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's . . . . . . Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who . . . . . . . . . ..Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's . . . . . . . . .The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What . . . . . . You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . You Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not . . . . .Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed . . . . . .. . Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You. . . . See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind. . . . .Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Aunt Edie.

Kids' Science Answers (submitted by MelanieK)

The following are all quotes from 11 -year-olds' science exams:

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the Wax" and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the-brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs; and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and C02 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Water is composed of two gins - Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin and Hydrogin is gin and water."
"The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts - first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends toward the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb.- A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nose bleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and mow up and down to make artificial perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: Wear a condominium."
"For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

Teacher Notes

These are actual notes from parents to teachers.

Dear Teacher:  Please excuse Lisa for being absent.  She
was sick, and I had her shot.

Dear School:  I hope you will excuse John for being absent on
Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

Dear Miss Larson:  Jack didn't go to school yesterday because
he had 2 teeth taken out of his face.

Mrs. Smith:  Please excuse Jimmy for being.  It was his father's
fault.

Dear Teacher:  Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

Dear Mr. Brown:  Please excuse for being absent yesterday. He
had a cold and could not breed well.

To Mary's Teacher:  Please excuse Mary for being absent
yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.

Dear Mr. Anderson:  Maryann was absent yesterday because she had a fever and upset stomach.  Her sister was also sick, and her
brother had a fever.  I wasn't too well, either.  There must be
something going around.  Her father even got hot last night.

Dear Mr. Thomas:  Jennifer missed school yesterday for a good
reason. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

---

John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
Signed ... Jim

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
John,
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
Regards ...
Jim

---

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blond politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Top of Page